Wednesday, January 26, 2011

a thinking heart

Recently in an email to a family member, I was reflecting on my thoughts and emotions surrounding the realization that Kate was most likely going to be born with Down Syndrome. I was around twenty-two weeks gestation and had been through a series of ultrasounds looking for signs of her condition. Her heart was in perfect shape and no conclusive percentage was offered. But after looking at a 3-D ultrasound image of her profile, there was no real doubt in my mind that she would have Down Syndrome.
I can still remember sitting on the edge of our bed, tears streaming down my face as I prayed for God to help me. What follows is what I remember thinking that day and in the days that followed.

If I was forming a baby, my baby, I would make it perfect. No defects, no problems, no diseases, no chromosomal issues. Perfectly whole. So why would God do anything less? Do I love my baby more than God does? No, I'm a sinful mother and God is God. I'm full of failing love and He is full of unfailing love. So how did I reconcile that He was making a baby that most likely was not going to be completely whole and perfect and that He is still full of unfailing love? I had to tell myself that Kate's DS was God's perfect and best plan for our family at this time. That was hard and I think that is what brought the tears at that moment. God's plans and purposes were greater than mine and I needed to stop thinking like me and think more like Him.

1 comment:

  1. Thanks for sharing that actually brought tears to my eyes. Blessed Be to you.


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